28 things I've learned by my 28th birthday.

Today is my birthday. I thought about what to write for my entry this week. The following is a collection of 28 things I have learned in my 28 years that may be worth sharing.

1. Cold drinks are most delicious with plenty of ice cubes. Hot drinks are best in mugs you can wrap both hands around. This is known.

2. Whenever making a drink, keep flavors separate. Why make a lemon/blackberry syrup and chance screwing it up when you can make one that is lemon, the other is blackberry, and mix them at whatever ratio you want? There is a larger metaphor to life here somewhere. I'm sure you'll find it. Thanks, Bear.

3. You can graduate friends into family, but do it with caution. Often times we rush our evaluation of people; take your time to trust, but don't be afraid to do it. Thanks, Zach.

4. There are a few foods out there called super foods, but they aren't what you think. They simply make other food better. Some of these are bacon, cheese, red pepper flakes and Sriracha sauce. Apply liberally to your favorite dishes. This is important for morale.

5. You need to read more books. I don't care how many you read, you need to read more. Watching the movie adaptation counts as net negative books read.

6. Being an asshole knows no boundaries to race, gender, sexuality, nationality or economic class. Choose to dislike who you dislike based off the merit of how big of a douchebag they are and for no reason otherwise.

7. In every group of friends, a team, or a staff, there is an asshole that nobody likes but everyone tolerates. Much like the smelly kid in fourth grade, if you don't know who it is, it's probably you.

8. Stop complaining. It is a useless waste of time and you should be ashamed of yourself every time you do it. Don't like your job? Quit. Don't like where you live? Move. Don't like your life? Change. Complaints are simply excuses as to why you are too scared to make a real transformation of your life.

9. You can do anything for 30 seconds. This simple phrased was drilled into my head at Wai Kru MMA in Boston when I was learning Muay Thai. Kru Mark Nardone would yell this at us whenever it looked like we would quit in conditioning or sparring. 30 seconds would turn into 45, which would turn into a minute. Often time people quit before they try; you are capable of so much more than you know. Thanks Kru John, Nicky Boom-Boom, and Kru Mark.

10. Wisdom knows no age. Adults often forget the simple truths that children instinctively know. Examples of these: enjoy the little things, be kind for no reason, or if Mom says no, ask Dad.

11. It is highly likely that you were an annoying little shit when you were a teenager. It wasn't entirely your fault, but you will owe your parents apologies for those years for the entirety of your life. I suggest a nice vacation. Sorry, Mom.

12. Vengeance and retribution, while satisfying to the ego, are some of the most self destructive things you can do. Pain is an integral part of being human; feeling pain is part of existence. Hurting others robs you of your humanity. If I could change anything in my past, it would not be the ways that others hurt me, but rather the times that I decided to hurt others physically or emotionally.

13. Big ice cubes are always better than little ones. Why? Science.

14. Be content with spending time alone. It is good for the soul. Try to truly isolate yourself once in a while. That being said, too much time spent without meaningful human contact is not healthy. Alone and lonely are very different things.

15. Nature and sunlight heal the human mind. This is not an opinion, this is science. Go outside, preferably with a dog. (That is an opinion.) Things make more sense out there. Thanks, Joe and Rick.

16. The universe is not a malevolent entity. It is not out to get you any more than it is there to help you. It is ambiguous to your existence. It's not against you, it just doesn't care. Your time here is small and insignificant, so live humbly. Taking it personally makes you bitter. Bitterness leads to fear. Fear leads to the dark side. The dark side leads you to acting like an asshole. Seriously, I am a case study in this.

17. Listen to the advice of fictional characters. Yoda, Samwise, and The Dude have some serious knowledge to drop on you.

18. Stop idolizing the wrong people. America was at it's greatest when it's heroes were scientists, entrepreneurs, parents, and explorers, not entertainers, reality TV stars and those who became rich through dishonest means. Get your priorities straight; the next generation will follow your lead.

19. A good and honest life is filled with hard work, dedication, anonymous charity and love. Mr. Burke, thank you.

20. Have a buddy confiscate your phone when you are going out to do some serious drinking. It will save you the humiliation of apologizing to your boss, ex, or crush in the morning.

21. Never stop seeking the counsel of your parents. Ever. There is nothing a beer with Dad or a home cooked meal from Mom can't fix. If it doesn't work the first time, repeat until it is effective. Everyone else in your life may betray you, but they won't. Mom and Dad, I love you.

22. Learn forgiveness. For many it does not come naturally and must be practiced. Of course, this applies to the forgiveness of others but more importantly to that of yourself.

23. Don't apologize for how much you work, be it too much or too little. If you work too little, be prepared to be considered "lazy," but hey, at least you can enjoy your lifestyle. If you work too much, know that it will be stressful and sometimes damaging to your personal relationships. Even the idea of "too little" or "too much" is a relative term, usually defined by those that are not doing the labor, so take those terms with a grain of salt. Make your choice and live with the consequences.

24. Happiness is a choice and so is sadness. Don't forget that its sometimes ok to not be ok. Allow yourself room to grieve and mourn when it is appropriate, but know when to call it quits and work on moving forward. Don't let anyone put a limit on how long you "should" feel something. Thank, Julia.

25. Living in the past is shadowboxing with ghosts. Living in the future is a great way to set yourself up for disappointment. Learn from your choices of the past, cringe, laugh, and let go of your regrets. Make plans for the future, but don't do so at the detriment of the present. The only thing you can address in this moment is this moment.

26. Know when to ask for help and don't be too proud to take it. A smart person knows their limits of the knowledge, abilities and resilience; seek the help of those who know more or can see clearer than you.

27. When you were young, it seemed like the adults of the world knew what they were doing. You were mistaken. We are all just figuring it out the best we can as we go. The older you get, the more you should realize what you don't know.

28. Follow your own advice.

Thank you for the birthday wishes.

Regards,
The Bar Fight

Heartbreak, loss, and picking up the pieces.

2am, sitting alone in a closed restaurant, is one of the few places you cannot escape your own thoughts.

I can feel my heart begin to race with terrible anxiety even at the thought of writing this, however with the amount of people that have read this blog, a chronicle of my navigation through this industry, it was only a matter of time until I gathered the courage to be vulnerable again and let you know what is happening. You may have noticed it has been a considerable amount of time since I have written anything.

My wife left me.

Those four simple words have been the hardest thing I have ever had to write and has been the source of my nightmares for the last 5 months of my life. This post; however, is not about her. It's not about our relationship. It's not about blame and it's not about self pity because all of that has been resolved in my mind. I am finally coming back to a person that I recognize when I look in the mirror and whose voice feels familiar again. It's a funny thing, having your entire life yanked from under your feet. But as I sit here waiting for my batch of ginger beer to cook, planning my next batch of sodas (watermelon-mint, banana cream and honey cardamom, anyone?) for the busy season, I decided to write about this experience because strangely, you have a right to know.

The second time she left me and it was clear that she would not be returning, I did what most people do: I drank myself useless. I lived in the bottom of a bottle for an uncomfortable amount of time. I reverted back to a pathetic shell of myself and watched as all of my passion, drive, and dedication dissolved into a glass of whisky. It's so easy to hide away and blame the universe for your misfortune, and I did it without a second thought.

My parents, family, and friends all did their best to drag me out of it. It didn't work for a long time; it took a moment of clarity and emergency that I will expand on at a later date, perhaps when I finally organize this entire chronicle into a book I've long since been meaning to publish. Waking up to look at the empty closet where her things used to be, the gaps where pictures used to be, and the empty place that my dog used to sleep was almost more than I could bear. Life was difficult.

It's strange, walking around with a storm raging inside you and trying to appear "fine." It eats up your thoughts and demands every ounce of your attention. You find yourself walking dead, not sleeping, not eating, and wallowing in self pity dipped in booze. Selfish is the only word that can be used.

I have learned the painful lesson that grief and loss come in many different forms. I've been a student of this inconvenient truth since as early as I care to remember. Loss is a universal thing that effects us all. Your friends and family will die. Those you love may break their promises. Things will happen that you cannot control, and at a certain point, you realize there is a single course of action that can be taken:

Let go.

At a certain point when dealing with such loss and sadness, you make a choice. It was the words of my bosses that really brought me to the place. Moh would tell me every day that it would get better. Only recently did I believe him. Ahmad told me that you must be the captain of your own destiny, and to decide if you will sink or you will thrive. At the time, the words settled into my mind and sat there, untouched and unrecognized until much later. Then it hit me.

Of the 16,000 readers I have (and thanks to each and every one of you!) some of you may be going through something like this. Loss comes for us all.

Mourn your losses. Take your time to grieve, but at a certain time, it is time to put back on your apron and get back to work. Stuff can be replaced. Your life can be rebuilt, one piece at a time. Find something to pour yourself into again. I found a Great Dane named Lola who has become the light of my life. I started to make sodas and crunch numbers and mix drinks and remembered why it is that I love this job. I quit smoking cigarettes and started working out again. Every day you wake up, it stings a bit less, and you feel a bit stronger. You fall back on your friends and family and remember that you have worth.

I've long since had a favorite saying: "water finds it's own level." People usually look at me puzzled when I say this, but I always see it as a perfect ethos. Sometimes there are forces in your life that will rush in like a tsunami and wash away all of the things you have built in your life that may be good or bad. There is no stopping such huge forces, so you must let go and allow it to run its course. It will leave a wake of destruction, but at the end, the tide will roll back, the sun will shine the clearer, and the water will be exactly where it needs to be. Water finds its own level.

Have heart, dear reader. Life will likely never play out the way you hope, though it happens for its own grand reason. All you can do is experience your loss and try to push forward once again. If you take a single thing from this post, it is this:

Never forget that the sun also rises.