I can feel my heart begin to race with terrible anxiety even at the thought of writing this, however with the amount of people that have read this blog, a chronicle of my navigation through this industry, it was only a matter of time until I gathered the courage to be vulnerable again and let you know what is happening. You may have noticed it has been a considerable amount of time since I have written anything.
My wife left me.
Those four simple words have been the hardest thing I have ever had to write and has been the source of my nightmares for the last 5 months of my life. This post; however, is not about her. It's not about our relationship. It's not about blame and it's not about self pity because all of that has been resolved in my mind. I am finally coming back to a person that I recognize when I look in the mirror and whose voice feels familiar again. It's a funny thing, having your entire life yanked from under your feet. But as I sit here waiting for my batch of ginger beer to cook, planning my next batch of sodas (watermelon-mint, banana cream and honey cardamom, anyone?) for the busy season, I decided to write about this experience because strangely, you have a right to know.
The second time she left me and it was clear that she would not be returning, I did what most people do: I drank myself useless. I lived in the bottom of a bottle for an uncomfortable amount of time. I reverted back to a pathetic shell of myself and watched as all of my passion, drive, and dedication dissolved into a glass of whisky. It's so easy to hide away and blame the universe for your misfortune, and I did it without a second thought.
My parents, family, and friends all did their best to drag me out of it. It didn't work for a long time; it took a moment of clarity and emergency that I will expand on at a later date, perhaps when I finally organize this entire chronicle into a book I've long since been meaning to publish. Waking up to look at the empty closet where her things used to be, the gaps where pictures used to be, and the empty place that my dog used to sleep was almost more than I could bear. Life was difficult.
It's strange, walking around with a storm raging inside you and trying to appear "fine." It eats up your thoughts and demands every ounce of your attention. You find yourself walking dead, not sleeping, not eating, and wallowing in self pity dipped in booze. Selfish is the only word that can be used.
I have learned the painful lesson that grief and loss come in many different forms. I've been a student of this inconvenient truth since as early as I care to remember. Loss is a universal thing that effects us all. Your friends and family will die. Those you love may break their promises. Things will happen that you cannot control, and at a certain point, you realize there is a single course of action that can be taken:
Let go.
At a certain point when dealing with such loss and sadness, you make a choice. It was the words of my bosses that really brought me to the place. Moh would tell me every day that it would get better. Only recently did I believe him. Ahmad told me that you must be the captain of your own destiny, and to decide if you will sink or you will thrive. At the time, the words settled into my mind and sat there, untouched and unrecognized until much later. Then it hit me.
Of the 16,000 readers I have (and thanks to each and every one of you!) some of you may be going through something like this. Loss comes for us all.
Mourn your losses. Take your time to grieve, but at a certain time, it is time to put back on your apron and get back to work. Stuff can be replaced. Your life can be rebuilt, one piece at a time. Find something to pour yourself into again. I found a Great Dane named Lola who has become the light of my life. I started to make sodas and crunch numbers and mix drinks and remembered why it is that I love this job. I quit smoking cigarettes and started working out again. Every day you wake up, it stings a bit less, and you feel a bit stronger. You fall back on your friends and family and remember that you have worth.
I've long since had a favorite saying: "water finds it's own level." People usually look at me puzzled when I say this, but I always see it as a perfect ethos. Sometimes there are forces in your life that will rush in like a tsunami and wash away all of the things you have built in your life that may be good or bad. There is no stopping such huge forces, so you must let go and allow it to run its course. It will leave a wake of destruction, but at the end, the tide will roll back, the sun will shine the clearer, and the water will be exactly where it needs to be. Water finds its own level.
Have heart, dear reader. Life will likely never play out the way you hope, though it happens for its own grand reason. All you can do is experience your loss and try to push forward once again. If you take a single thing from this post, it is this:
Never forget that the sun also rises.
Weir done brother💪😄⚡️💣🌊
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