Why I hate Yelp.com

Many of you have had those experiences. I know that I have. Maybe you've had one or two or eight more shots of Jamesons than you should've, and by god, you want your ninth. Perhaps you sat on line for an hour before you got in the venue. Maybe your food was served cold. You let your anger fester all night until you get home, and in an alcohol induced rage, unleash the fury of a thousand morons upon the venue on yelp.com. It feels good, saying all of the things you wanted to say for the whole world to see with no retribution. Right?

Yelp, in theory, is a great idea. However so is communism. In practice, both fail.

I think that user generated content is great and a critique of ways that your venue can improve is invaluable data that can be utilized to improve your venue. The problem is that they let yelpers review, and many yelpers are morons. At least food reviewers know a little something about food.

The most interesting thing about yelp is the filter that they have. You see, when you submit a review, it stays for a bit and then either disappears or is kept. The problem is that the filtration process is entirely arbitrary. A 1 star from someone with 2 reviews can stay, and a 5 star from someone with two reviews can go. There is no set rules in yelp. I never knew why until I discovered that it was because they practice extortion. Yelp will call you after about 6 months and ask you to spend over $3,000 a year on "premium yelp," which essentially means that they give you some advertised hits and you have an "account manager" who takes care of your bad reviews. If you don't fork over the money, suddenly your good reviews get filtered and your bad ones stay. These guys are crooks. Yes, yelp.com, I'm talking to you. Moving on.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't yelp if you get bad service because that is an absurd notion. I am; however, saying that there are some ridiculous things that are simply your own fault that you need to own up. I can't tell you how many people gave me a bad review because they couldn't get in a club I was bartending or managing. How do you review a club that you're not dressed well enough to enter?

Sometimes when you work you get someone calling you out by name. Now, since I was an adolescent, my personality lends itself to people either loving or hating me with very little room in between. Typically it is the latter. This is because I am somewhat abrasive, sarcastic to a fault, and have a pension for sharp retorts. Luckily for me, there are many people who appreciate my personality and love me as a bartender. The following; however, are my top 5 favorite complaints on Yelp.com. None of these have been fabricated or edited, and come from work at 4 different venues.

5. "Second, you have no sensitivity training."
That is correct. I don't. That is one of the exact reasons that I choose to work in the field that I do rather than corporate America. If I worked in a cubicle, I couldn't tell you that you were being an idiot when you were. Forgive me if rather than bowing and scraping because of some illegitimate claim, (her complaints were amazing. To add to her credibility, this woman spelled 'bourgie' as 'boushey' when referring to herself; I suppose the elite are never taught to spell?) I tell you that you are being unreasonable. I don't apologize when I have nothing to apologize for. Not sorry.

4."The skinhead bartender makes a strong drink but seems to yell a lot. Is he drunk?"
Wow. Listen, lady. I am not a vain man, so I will never spend money on keeping my hair line from marching steadily to the back of my head, but skinhead is quite a leap from 'balding guy.' And guilty, I do yell a lot. That is because the music is very loud in a club, and unless we both learn sign language in the next 15 seconds, I will make no money and you will be very thirsty.

 And I wasn't drunk. Maybe.

3. "...cannot believe the nerve of that bartender. my husband asked for an old fashioned with oranges, and he just said no! Instead he brought over an old fashioned and said it's the only one he knows how to make. Luckily, my husband said it was the best old fashioned he ever had.
First of all, I kind of understand this point. I know I shouldn't do this sort of thing, but I just enjoy it too much. Most Old Fashioned's are made too damn sweet (STOP MUDDLING CHERRIES, ASSHOLES!) and I think my recipe is better than most. I sometimes make people stuff they didn't order, but almost always get a super positive reaction. But what blew my mind about this review is that she gave me ONE STAR. She said I made her husband the best cocktail he had ever had, and I get one star! Unbelievable. 

2. "Eric is like hot girls at the club. They're really annoying but really hot so whatever. He is a dick but he makes a good drink so I put up with it, and keep coming back."
I actually thought I had a much better relationship with this guy (Hi, Mark...) but that's ok. I was a bit disappointed that they didn't take the analogy further, though. If it were me, I would say something to the effect of "Eric is like a hot girl; he is just after your money and will do anything to get it." This is my second favorite simply because it's true. This felt more like a compliment.

1. "not to mention that if you complain about anything in this place the manager or the owner are the most ass holes on this earth."
This is by far and away my favorite insult about me. Cast aside the obvious, that I am an asshole, but just the grammatical structure of this sentence is legendary. Whenever I am having a bad day, I simply read this sentence and erupt in laughter. It doesn't get any better than this. I am having a t-shirt made with this on the front. A+.

The lesson, my friends, is think before you yelp. I would love to close and say it is because of a quote like "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle," but frankly, it's just because I only have so much room in my wardrobe for amazingly stupid statements you write that I make into t-shirts.

Stay thirsty,
"the most ass hole on this earth"